(this is the effect of an "A" mom -notice the smile)
A = Pushover mom who believes in "compromise" but feels very loving about it
B = Unhappy mom who says no and sticks to it but feels mean and strung out all the time
I need a little advice from you.. I've been a "pushover" mom since day one but have realized that I need to start standing my ground. I feel like I've been telling myself that compromise or win-win situations are the best.. but are they the best with a toddler?
Example #1. The other morning Wendell didn't want to take his p.j. shirt off so I decided to put his t'shirt on over it. (Looking back, I realize that was totally a pushover mom but it was also a compromise, right? nothing wrong with having two shirts on?)
Example #2. Wendell, Buster (our dog) and I decide to go for a walk. Wendell would rather push his little lawn mower around but Buster is wanting a walk too (and both can't happen at the same time), so I ask Wendell to get in the stroller and he does but he brings his mower with him. So for 1/2 block he is pushing his lawn mower while I push him in the stroller (later we ditched the mower and put it in the back of the stroller). Pushover mom? I see it as a "survive the walk" tactic.
Example #3. Wendell is outside playing with his car and pushing it around. He decides to go in the neighbors driveway (which is okay) but then decides to go up closer to her house (which he knows he's not supposed to) so I give a warning, "you need to turn around" in such a sweet loving voice, he does not respond, so the second reminder I say "you need to come back, now or we'll go inside" a little more serious... and still no response. The third time, in a very stern/mean voice "come back now or we go inside"... and Mr. Wendell looks toward me with his little grin and comes back like a sweet little angel. Why did it take the 3rd try? My "stern" voice? Now I feel like a mean mom who's out in public yelling at her kid.
So, what kind of mom are you? A or B.. and how do we survive this roller coaster? (this is the effect of a "B" kind of mom)
6 comments:
Hmmm. I think I am a combination but I lean more towards a 'B' mom. I've noticed if I act more like an 'A' mom then Kate gets upset because I'm not meeting her demands on her timetable. But if I stand my ground and act like a 'B' mom she still throws a tantrum because she isn't getting her way. As a 'B' mom I think I feel more stressed but I'm not really willing to bend over backwards all the time to accomodate Kate's every need. I think sometimes 'A' moms forget their own needs.
Welcome to the wonderful world of toddlerhood, Heather!
What a great discussion to have! I think I'm also more of a "B" mom--especially since Emily entered toddlerhood. I know there is always an "easier" route that is tempting, but after months of mostly standing my ground after making a decision or issuing a command, I can see results. No, she most definitely does NOT always listen, but she listens to me more than anyone else because I have established a reliable authority over her.
I think the biggest thing I learned from my parents in the arena of discipline is to always mean what you say--the first time. My sisters and I were not perfect, but most people would still label us as goody-two-shoes and almost angels the older we got. I believe the main reason is that my mom especially NEVER issued an empty threat. It took some testing, but we figured out we had better listen up and obey the first time she ever said anything. This didn't happen overnight. It was a long and probably stressful process for her, but I can't argue with the results!
This is one of the biggest things to continually work on as a parent. I don't think it gets any easier, and a lot of times it isn't fun, but I think it's extremely important. That's why I don't mind sometimes being the cause of tears and tantrums. I know both Emily & I will be better off in the long-run!
P.S. Have you read the Rosemond books I gave you? He addresses this issue a lot, and I agree with his philosophy. It's what my parents did.
B mom here I come!!! After a discussion with Phil, I think we are going to try something new and keep something old. When outside, if Wendell doesn't respond to the first "reminder" of rules then we will remind him one more time (sometimes I really don't think he hears me the first time because it can be loud outside). If he doesn't respond to the first "reminder" then on the 2nd one we will tell him what he is to do or go inside.. then go inside if he procedes to "not follow the rules". I have been doing this so this won't be a very big change for me other than going from 3 reminders to 2. When inside, we are going to try the same thing only if he doesn't follow directions then we will sit him on the couch for "a moment/break" (kind of a timeout without a time attached to it). I think the inside issue has been him opening the door (without our permission) and if he opens it then I'll tell him that if he opens the door then he will be sitting on the couch for "a moment/break". I don't want to use the word "time out" as it's not going to be for a certain amount of time (for now anyways) but I'm not sure what to call it. I was going to put him on a stool but since chances are he will throw a tantrum then Phil thought the couch might be safer, and I agree.
Well, having a plan makes me feel a lot better... I'll keep you updated on what happens.
In the future, we may want to consider that when he doesn't follow the rules outside that he comes inside AND takes his "moment/break".
Do you think if I say to Wendell "you need to follow the rules" or "you need to listen to me" that he would understand either or both of them? Or is he too young?
Thanks ladies for helping me work through this! Goodluck with your own disciplining issues!
Well, I thought I'd update you on my journey. Wendell has been in 3 time outs now (yep they are really time outs that last about 2 minutes). He has just sat there smiling at me all three times... a happy little boy. I did have to remind him to just sit there a few times (instead of crawling off the couch) and then he would sit still. When it was done, I reminded him of why he was in a timeout and then told him he could get down. If I continue to do this, I might have to buy a timer that shows exact minutes and beeps when it's done. I have noticed that the timeouts occur more when we are at home and he is bored, therefore getting into things that he's not supposed to do or outside where he is more limited on his freedom. I don't think he really knows why he's in "time outs" but I figure eventually he'll catch on so it's good to start now? I don't think I've make it clear to him that I'm in charge and not him but I'm not sure what else to do.. when I say we're going inside because he's not listening, he seems okay with that.. when I put him in the time out, he was okay with that. I have also had a more stern voice with him and that seems to help, I really don't think he listens very well and I'm not really sure how you teach a child to listen or even what it means to listen. Today, I've been a little more agitated with him but that's because we've been home all day.. he just can't seem to entertain himself without getting into trouble (I know, I know, he's 2 what do I expect?) I'm also still struggling with distracting him vs. disciplining him. Example: Today he kept pulling his blankie out of the crib while we were playing in his room, he will throw it in the crib (our little game) but then he can't just leave it, he goes back and pulls it back out - I eventually just hid it (Phil and I feel he should only have it at bed time, not carry it around the house). So I went with the distraction method, not discipline. I have been reading the Rosemond books but I don't think I really understand what he's saying for a two year old... I'm going to review them again. I have a book that I like as well that I'm going to review. It appears that 2 is the odd age of knowing when and how to discipline vs. distracting him. Enough for now.
Any suggestions for me?
I think the best thing I can say is "Hang in there!" I don't have any good answers. This is a long and tedious process (we're talking years) and all of us get frustrated at times. I'm having the same kind of frustrating day you're having today. It's the third day in a row we've been home. I'm very tired and everything Emily seems to do is "trouble". On days like today my only solution is to take a nap and say a little prayer asking God for a little more grace and patience!
But just so you know, I struggle with discipline vs. distraction, too. I have a hard time discerning what Emily is actually comprehending at times. My biggest clue is usually whether or not she gets upset! Listening is also a very tricky thing to deal with. Again, I don't have any good answers and I don't think the Rosemond books are necessarily clear on it either. I'm curious, though, whether or not you think Wendell is purposely not "listening" to you (i.e. indicating he has clearly heard but does not obey) or whether he physically might not have heard you.
Thanks for the encouragement! I know that this will be a long battle so I'm trying to figure out "me" and what I'm going to do so I can at least feel prepared for the next time. I've felt much better when I know what my next step is and I have a plan. As far as listening.. I think he is so zoned into what he is doing that he doesn't pay attention to me. I don't think he has a hearing problem, I think I just can't get his attention (maybe I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt). I found an old whistle of mine and pulled that out. When I blew it outside, he just kept running.. again not sure if he heard it or not. Something will work eventually. So far the time outs are at least slowing him down and he does follow them pretty well, considering. Hopefully the more we do it, the more he will learn to listen? Thanks again and we'll keep you posted.
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