dear diary

i see i am behind on posts.. i realized i have minimal new pictures to share and life has been mostly a dud this week - so today, i'm just going to vent to my dear diary.

a week ago today, phil and i went to see a house in waterloo and fell in love with it. the right size, the right neighborhood, the right price, etc. but, being that it was owned by the bank we were unable to make an offer as we can't make two payments on housing waiting for our house to sell. then on tuesday the price dropped (yeah!) and then two different people made offers on it (boo hiss!) so basically it's sold (even though technically it's not a done deal yet until all the paperwork is completed - my way of holding out a little hope : ). so we go from extreme excitement to extreme bummedness (yes, i'm making up a word). for about three days, my nerves were on edge and then with the offer on the house i just went numb.

i knew that buying and selling would be difficult for me so i turned to God. so on a more personal level, i've been praying to God for about 3 months now to help me with the stress and emotions of selling/buying a house. phil and i got through putting our house on the market and walking through a few houses to get a feel for what we want and i was handling it all pretty well. then we found this ideal home that got flushed away. why would God allow this to happen? why the tease? the torture? in all honesty, i don't mind that we didn't get the house but why didn't God help me through the emotions side? that's what i've been praying about. i know there could much worse things that we have to deal with but right now.. this has been very stressful. right now, i don't even want to go look at other houses just to see another one flushed away. how do you protect your heart from these things? and even bigger, how do i protect my heart for God? how do i put it all on the plate (all my faith) out there and then feel like i didn't get my prayers answered? i feel like our church (and i think it's great!) has been really asking us to step out on faith. i've also been reading the Bible and it says ask and it shall be given. all i've asked for is that God protects my heart from the emotions/stress of this. honestly, i feel like he failed me and i'm very hurt. it makes me not want to step out on faith again.... i know i will heal and all will be fine with the house but really... how can i put my faith in God if i don't trust him?

on the flip side, there may be light at the end of the tunnel with work or it could get worse. i am choosing to be optimistic and try not to stress out about this as well... the lady i have a hard time with is moving out. yeah! maybe job life can go back to the way it was... but it also might mean a few changes at my job, we don't know who her replacement will be, my actual job location may move (could be good or bad), extreme circumstances are that i could loose my job or be expected to transfer to another house (options don't look good right now or i would have transferred a long time ago). i choose to be optimistic and will plan for a good outcome... and hope that the change happens sooner than later so i can check this stresser off my list.

one more update. phil took the kids to visit family for the weekend, i'm working or i would have gone. so today being home alone i decided to do my own tri training. i went to the pool and swam 17 laps (about 500 meters), then biked from river plaza to cedar falls and back home (about 13 mile) and then ran 3 miles when i got home. so if all continues as it is, i will be able to complete the triathlon as i basically did it today. it took me about 2 hours which isn't too bad. i'm very tired and sore but it felt good to know i can do it. i do have a few kinks to work out but for now i'll be pleased with the day.

right now, i'm having an open house. one couple stopped in so i consider it a success. after i'm done here, i plan to read a little, watch tv and make some popcorn (with lots of butter). aaaawww.. the freedom of being home alone. but i do miss the buggers too. they'll be back tomorrow and life will resume to normal.

thanks for listening.